Confession time: I’ve never seen the Star Wars trilogy.
Like, any of it.
I don’t know how it happened. I grew up in the 80s. I had an older brother. Every guy I’ve ever dated has been my age or older (and I’m assuming has seen it). I have friends that are dress-up-in-a-stormtrooper-costume obsessed about it. There really are no explanations.
I do know that I watched Episode One with the little boy* I was an au pair for in Paris. I wasn’t dazzled. Everyone I told blamed Jar Jar Binks. Like the whole thing was his fault. Needless to say, it didn’t spark any interest to sit through the others. *Side note: that little boy is now in high school and visiting colleges. Like Harvard.
But I digress. The important thing is that I’m here now. With a bottle of wine. Ready to stay on this couch until the end credits roll on Return of the Jedi.
I’m going to blog as if I was watching these movies with people, and annoying them with my observations. I hear your collective sigh of relief at not being here with me right now, and I’m not offended. (Ok I’m clearly exaggerating, I would never disrupt a movie this much.)
So here goes nothing.
The music is so exciting! (And recognizable even to me.) I wish I had seen the John Williams tribute at the Hollywood Bowl. I wonder if they do that every year?
So wait, Princess Leia is in charge? Girl power!
(PS Do you think young boys in the 70s really read all that?)
Hooray! C3PO and R2D2! And the silver C3PO!
Wait, so storm troopers are bad?
Wait, why aren’t C3PO and R2D2 running and hiding?
DARTH!!! That’s what it sounds like inside a scuba mask.
C3PO and R2D2 are totally like the droid version of Penn and Teller. Maybe not Penn and Teller, but some duo like that.
Leia’s got a gun!
You know what movie I like? Space Camp. “Max and Jinx. Friends for-e-ver.”
Can you imagine how hot C3PO is in that desert? Wait, what? He’s cold?
No more adventures…
R2D2 walking in the rocks with the caped creatures is as bad as when you’re watching a scary movie and they go down the stairs…NOOOOOO!!!
Wait, are these the ewoks?
Was that the Short Circuit robot?
I like how the little caped creatures move.
Luke! I already know who your father is.
C3PO would seriously not take R2D2?! Ok phew.
Look at that technology!
Love the moon and the sun so close together.
Luke and C3PO. Friends for-e-ver.
There are some weird looking creatures in this desert.
Note to self: sand people have bad aim.
That’s no sand person. That’s a real person. Obi Wan?
I’m good at this!
LIGHT SABER TIME!
I like Obi Wan.
Whoa. Vader just totally used the force! I want to learn the ways of the force!
These wipes are…oh no! Luke’s aunt and uncle! He’s an orphan…again.
Of course he’s going to go with him now.
Obi just totally used the force on those storm troopers!!
Bar of misfit toys.
Ho-lee Harrison Ford. His mouth is moving but all I can hear is huminah huminah huminah.
A lot of violence happens in this bar. Not that anyone cares.
The entire time Harrison is prepping the ship to leave I couldn’t stop staring at his pants.
Chewy’s the driver?! LOVE it.
Listen to him talk about crop dusting. Hims is smart. Am I the only one who hears “crop dusting” and thinks about farts?
James Earl Jones isn’t in the Vader costume, right?
Ok now I love Obi Wan.
I’m assuming the force is a metaphor.
“Your eyes can deceive you, don’t trust them.”
The planet’s gone? Poor Princess Leia’s dad. And Princess Leia. (Reflection note: Why didn’t she react more to this?)
“You can’t win. But there are alternatives to fighting.”
Ok I leurve Obi Wan.
They didn’t really do an in-depth search.
Everything Chewy says sounds sad.
I’d give 1977 Harrison more than he Bargened for…hey-o!
I hope that’s not the last we see of Obi Wan. Those were some final words.
Everyone’s saying Leia like Leah. Which is it?
I like it when they let Chewy have fun and shoot up the place.
“I’m Luke Skywalker. I’m here to rescue you.” Le sigh.
Ladies doin’ it for themselves!
“Either I’m going to kill her or I’m beginning to like her.” He might as well have just said, “I’m sexy and I know it.”
This isn’t a time for Leia to be all damsel in distressy. She needs to get them out of there!
Oh no! Not a trash compactor. Seriously. Can you imagine getting smooshed in one of those? Not smooshed in the Jersey Shore sense, like REALLY smooshed.
Double oh no! Where’s C3PO??
R2D2 is like the Webster of droids. You just want to pick him up and carry him around.
Hahaha. It’s funny when C3PO thinks they’re dying and they’re not.
Carrie Fisher must be tiny because Harrison Ford is not a big guy. I met him once. In St. Louis. In the early 2000s. We were eye to eye. He had an earring, which I thought was weird on such a distinguished gentleman, but then he said, “Hello. How are you?” and it was just the two of us standing there, and I melted into a pile of goo.
I guess if I’m suddenly this in love with young Harry I should probably watch some of the early Indiana Jones movies, huh? I do love the ride at Disneyland.
Ahh, sh*t just got real. Vader and Obi Wan. Light sabers. Please Vader don’t hurt him!
Any significance to blue vs red saber lights?
Aw, Luke still calls him Ben!
What. the. french. toast. He didn’t just go out like that, right? He’ll come back? That was his voice from somewhere saying, “Run. Luke. Run!” right?
I might be PMSing, or it could be the wine, but a tear is rolling down my cheek right now. I can’t believe he’s gone either, Luke.
R2D2 is also a fire extinguisher!
I think Luke might suck at Asteroids, but at least they got the job done.
I didn’t like that transition either.
Ok, that guy CLEARLY said Leah. Lee-uh.
20 minutes until I get a Nutella snack and move on to The Empire Strikes Back. Speaking of, I hope when they say Return of the Jedi they mean Obi Wan. I miss him so much already.
They’re putting R2D2 in the fighter jet?! That seems like a bad idea. Luke can’t even understand him, can he?
I wish Ben talked to me like that.
See what I’m doing? Switching back and forth between calling him Obi Wan and Ben JUST LIKE THE MOVIE.
Do they not need more equipment/gear to be flying through space in the little jets? How are they breathing? Is the glass that strong?
I feel like Luke is a kid ill-prepared for battle of this magnitude.
They say “target’s coming up,” but I don’t see anything!!
Oh. now I see it.
There are a lot of sexual innuendos in this movie. Case in point:”it didn’t go in.”
I stand corrected, good thing R2 was there to lock that thing down.
I’m liking these shots in the canyon of the space station.
Is Luke the only one left now? I’m starting to freak out.
“The force is strong with this one.” Thanks Darth.
OH NO NOT R2!!!!!!!!
Wait, what?! That just happened?? The space station is gone just like that!! And Harry’s back! Everybody wins!! Giggles and hugs!!
R2 looks horrible! FIX HIM!
Hahaha Leia is so little that when Harry and Luke put their arms on each other shoulders she’s way below them.
Again. The music. Amazeballs.
I like Leia’s hair better like this. One braided bun. Oh but ew, not that long ponytail coming out of it.
Why is C3PO standing with what look like a bunch of zookeepers?
Hooray! R2D2 and happy ending!
Totally no hint as to a sequel tho…save for the title of said sequel.
Nevermind the wink from Harry.
Ahh! Yoda’s on the disc menu, I’m about to meet Yoda!
The Empire Strikes Back. More reading?! JK I know it’s their thing.
I can say I’ve never once heard of Hoth.
Snow in this one, huh?
Oh hey! Luke’s looking cuter in this one already. I didn’t notice that butt chin before – WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! An abominable snowman?
Don’t worry Harry’s still cute in this one too. #importantthings
Wait, so he showed up just to leave? I mean, I get that he needs to pay off the Hutt, but can’t he just send him the money or something?
Uh-oh…are the two guys going to fight over the Princess?
That’s so Mario and Luigi of them.
Hey Harrison, I could use a good kiss!!
Nevermind…still not into Luke. I mean I know it’s not his fault that he’s upside down and bloody, but…there’s no there there.
He just used the force!
Remember when Silent Bob really wanted to use the force in Mallrats?
I like Leia’s hair better in this one.
Aw, Chewy’s so sad!
Oh that’s just gross.
Whoa. Harrison Ford just looked like Steve Martin for a second.
Chewy laughing is the best.
Kissing happened! For a second.
Aw, Chewy loves Luke.
Whoa. Darth can use the force even through a screen!!
Leia’s in charge again!
Ok, right then, Luke was cute again. I’m so confused. I know how Leia feels.
I think the pilots sitting back-to-back is a good idea. Clearly they were attacked from behind when they were taking down the Death Star.
Dack is dead.
The helmet is definitely a good look for Luke.
I think the wine is taking effect.
It’s like a real war with these trenches and those weird metal tank creatures on tall legs.
Big tree fall hard.
How can they expect C3PO to run any faster?!
What?! They don’t know Luke’s down there? Are they just leaving him? Harry just wants to get it on all angsty with Leia. Poor Luke.
Um, if R2D2 says something is wrong. I think something is wrong. PS Since when can Luke understand him as well as C3PO does?
Why does Harry hate C3PO?
How much is it killing you that I haven’t once referred to him as Han Solo?!?!
C3PO TRIED to tell him.
“You don’t have to do this to impress me.” I’m equal parts nice sentiment/get over yourself about this one, Leia.
The scenery as they near the asteroid is amazing!
You’ve got to hand it to him, he knows how to fly.
I wish we could see that many stars on any given night.
Poor R2, trying to talk sense into Luke.
How can he be sure it’s safe for droids? What does he know? He’s clearly become too big for his britches.
R2D2 just fell into the water!! This is all your fault, Luke. You’re lucky he’s ok.
Look how dirty he is! Did R2 just throw up? NOW Luke thinks he’s going crazy?!
I’m currently deciding which Han Solo t-shirt I can’t live without. And it’s of course this one that’s no longer available. Heart broken.
I mean seriously, what is going on with these two? That is totally the kind of guy I fall for. So aggravating, yet so enticing. The thrill of the chase blah blah blah.
OMG I already love Yoda. Immediately. Hims so cute!!! I want to love him and squeeze him!!
Harry is working his charms! Smooth talker! We saw that coming.
Wait so Luke is Anakin’s kid? And nobody knows that Anakin is Vader? This must’ve blown people’s MINDS!
Aw, look at Yoda’s little house!
He’s trained Jedis for 800 years?? Did he used to be a real man?
Yoda just got scary. I’m going to have nightmares of him saying “You will be. You will be.” with that look in his eyes.
There’s something hilarious about C3PO swatting at things at saying “filthy beasts.”
“There is no why.” Such a useful statement.
These sets are incredible!!
I mean, he’s crapping in his pants right now right? Is this a dream sequence? Is Yoda giving him a vision? Clearly he didn’t just kill Vader.
Yoda just looked really cocky for an animatronic. Puppet?
Chewy’s behavior when the ship malfunctions is very reminiscent of someone I can’t currently put my finger on.
Nice fly by! Tom Cruise totally stole that move in Top Gun.
Dirty Luke is attractive. I think it’s his floppy hair that’s throwing me off. Not quite Riggins length, not short enough…it’s in that in between stage.
“Try not. Do or do not. There is no try.”
What if you lived your life only by things said by either Obi Wan or Yoda?
I wish my ally was the force. Is the force God?
Yoda has so many expressions!!
“I don’t believe it. That is why you fail.” Amazeballs.
Why WON’T anyone listen to C3PO?? Is he totally offbase?
Oh no the future involves everyone dying? Am I going to cry at every one of these movies? Luke is going to save the day, right? Right?!
I don’t mean to be like this, but this Lando(?) is the first black person in this series, right?
The silver C3PO is back!
WHAT? They killed C3PO! Something’s fishy about this whole thing.
Oh crap! It’s the vision!
Who is Vader’s emperor?
Ooh good lesson about choosing what’s quick and easy over having patience. So many not-so-hidden messages they have.
There is another?!!? Who is he? Or she? Can girls be Jedis?
I mean seriously. Carrie Fisher must be a member of the Lollipop Guild. I love how they keep outdoing themselves with these hairstyles.
Oh no! Put C3PO back together! Chewy needs his friend!
Lando’s a creeper.
Lando’s lying. He doesn’t seem sorry at all. I think Chewy’s sorry, but I can’t understand about what.
I bet that beeping is esp annoying for Chewy…like it would be for dogs. Are all animals like that?
See? He said something about a deal.
Good work Chewy!!
Poor HS…now they’re like star-crossed lovers.
Is Chewy wearing C3PO? I love it.
Is carbon freeze kinda like how Walt Disney is frozen?
Crap! Now it’s like Pearl Harbor…where she loses Harrison Ford (Ben Affleck) so she’s going to hook up with Luke (Josh Hartnett) and then Harrison Ford/Ben Affleck comes back…oh the drama!
Whatever happened to Josh Hartnett?
Uh oh what’s that watch do? That Lando guy is the worst!!!
Leia, Luke knows it’s a trap.
It’s a battle just like his vision!
Why would they leave the battle?
So now Lando’s a good guy and we have to trust him? I can understand Chewy’s hesitation.
Loved C3PO reunion convo with R2D2.
Why did Luke get cocky?! Now he doesn’t even have a light saber.
Is now really the time to explore?
When’s he going to say the “Luke, I am your father” part?! I hate that I know that it’s going to happen and am waiting for it.
How is that exposure to space not killing them?
What is this? The Capitol? Hunger Games?
Poor Chewy thinks he’s going to have to rebuild everyone.
So they’re just going to leave without Harrison Ford?!
“Of course I’ve looked better!” I love those two.
Light saber fights on sky bridges are the most awesome.
Now Luke only has one hand!
Wait does he not yet know? Did he not understand the vision?
He doesn’t! AND the quote is “No, I am your father.” NOT “Luke, I am your father.” Led astray by Tommy Boy.
He can do this! He works best upside down!
Leia has it too?
Chewy’s a really good driver.
How in the world??
Whoa. That was almost a kiss when she told him she’d be back.
Has everyone forgotten about Harrison Ford?! Because I haven’t!!! He’s still frozen somewhere!
Do you guys think Vader could have killed Luke if he wanted to? Because I totally do.
He just said “Father” like he cared, this might not end well.
Where’s Ben now? Why is he just hearing Vader??
Well that was amazing. Way to go R2.
Vader is pissed!
I don’t like that we’re sending Chewy with Lando.
Well now of course we need another movie. Ok so do I have a third movie in me? I mean, I can’t stop now, right? Maybe I should switch from wine to water. Let’s do this!
Return of the Jedi. Do people play favorites with these movies? Like do you love the set or love one movie more than the other two?? Is it one of those “the whole is greater than the sum of its parts” kinda things? Are you tired of me yet? Nobody is forcing you to read this. Unless someone is, which is kind of awesome. I mean, not for you, but…Moving on…
Wait a sec. How did the Hutt end up with frozen Harry? I must’ve missed something…or are they just filling us in on that now?
All of these movies are over two hours long!
Finally we’re going to get a look at this emperor. What if it was the animated llama from The Emperor’s New Groove?
I don’t like this intestine-looking guy.
This carousel music in the Hutt’s chamber is throwing me off.
Is the Hutt using drugs Cheshire cat style?
Luke did not just give him C3PO and R2D2.
How many languages did they come up with for this movie?
Chewy laughing good. These characters laughing bad.
Are we going to see Yoda again or was he just in the one movie?
This isn’t looking good for our favorite droids.
This movie just went all Labyrinth on us.
What is happening?
Chewy in chains!
I kinda want Jabba to eat the detonator.
Well look who’s there. Our old pal Lando.
The thawing process was weird, but I’m glad to have Harrison Ford back.
“Who are you? Someone who loves you.” While I didn’t expect it to be her at first, that was ubes cheesy.
Ok so HE calls her Lei-a…
Reunited and it feels so good! Chewy and Harry…friends for-e-ver.
These characters are starting to resemble The Dinosaurs. “Not the mama!” style.
Uh-oh! Leia got a new look! She must work out.
I warn people not to underestimate my powers too! Samesies, Luke!
Ok that thing is not pleasant to look at.
Good thing that rock was there! That was such a video game move!
Who’s that chubby hairy guy and why is he crying?
Yuck! Being pulled into the Hutt’s rolls is the last thing I would find sexy.
And we’re back in the sand. And R2 is a bar?
Luke’s definitely looking older.
R2 is the bomb-dot-com with that light saber launch!
Is that The Rocketeer?
This is the weirdest green screen battle I’ve ever seen.
Looking at Jabba the Hutt grosses me out.
After all that Leia was the one to kill him?! #girlpower again
This seems to all be coming together too early on. Where’s Darth?
That so feels like the end! They fly into space! Harry thanks Luke.
Something bad’s about to happen, isn’t it?
How can his health be failing now? After 900 years??
No forever sleep!
Coughing Yoda = Sad MAB
You guys, I’m so stressed out because I don’t think I was able to understand everything Yoda said at the end. I sure hope Luke got it. Good bye old friend. Miss you I will.
Wait a second.
LEIA IS HIS SISTER?????
You guys, how did I not know this?! This was never spoiled for me in 30+ years?!
Remember how Harry called her sister in The Empire Strikes Back in that cute way that sometimes guys call girls who aren’t related to them sister?
I stand corrected…Leia and Luke never hooked up. And I’m so glad for that.
Shocked I am.
Is he going to tell her or what? Are you guys freaking out about all I said about them romantically? Hahahaha.
I guess he’s not going to tell her yet.
Does Vader know about Leia too?
The Emperor is not impressive.
This forest is new.
What if Luke just started repeating “You’re my sister, you’re my sister!” like Joe Dirt?
This seems very “Honey I Shrunk the Kids.” Why are they so little all the sudden?
Karma’s a bitch for that storm trooper.
Ewoks seriously don’t show up until the final hour of the trilogy??
Hims a cute little Nervous Nellie.
Well, sh*t…Aw, sh*t! Ewok power!
Oh jeez, really? A net tree trap? Chewy, I’m disappointed in you.
Look at all of them!
Why isn’t their tree house colony an attraction at an amusement park?
I wonder how many times Harrison Ford has said, “I have a really bad feeling about this” in a movie.
What did they do to Leia’s hair?
It’s so easy for Luke to use the force now!
They’re on a moon? My tired is showing.
Why isn’t Luke just telling her??
What’s this Little House on the Prairie music they’re playing?
Do you think that’s kinda what the convo went like when Oprah found out she had a sister?
Icky wipe. Times two.
Tapping the shoulder is the oldest trick in the book! Some guard that guy is!
This emperor talk is a buzz kill.
Way to go Lando!
The Ewoks are helping so much! So resourceful.
R2 is short circuiting!
Ewoks are getting hurt!
This isn’t fun anymore!
Did Darth just give Luke a little sign?
All that wine – and the fact that I was up before 8a – is making it really hard to stay awake. But I’m almost done.
Does the emperor know what the ewoks are doing? I mean, is he in control of everything?
“I love you.” “I know.”
I was thinking he needed to use the hate right after Obi Wan died. I can’t believe I just agreed with the emperor. I guess using hate as a motivator is a bad thing.
Vader isn’t affected at all about having a daughter?
How bad were George Lucas’ daddy issues?!
Hate IS bad.
You tell him, Luke!
I really hate the Emperor.
That just happened!
The Emperor is gone…who is running this show? That guy?
I really wish Luke would have just said, “Papa?”
Luke saying “I won’t leave you” is as empty as Rose saying “I’ll never let go.”
Yay! The Death Star is dead…again!
Hahaha. Harry knows now too! I hope they let an Ewok be their ring bearer.
I’m sorry, what? Does he need to ritualistically burn his father?
This all looks animated!!
So. Many. Ewoks!!!
Happy ending again!
Ok, so…The Empire Strikes Back was hands-down my favorite of the three. Followed by Star Wars and Return of the Jedi.
Footnote: I’m totally glad to have finally checked this off my life’s to-do list. A rite of passage, better late than never. That being said, this is the most time-consuming thing I’ve ever done online in one sitting.
PS If you’ve read this entire thing, you either REALLY like me or you REALLY like Star Wars. I’m cool with either.