Dater Profiling

Ok guys, I logged onto the ole online dating website, and wanted to share a little bit of what I found.

-I can’t live without my vita mix blender. It is imperative that I make my morning shake: 1 whole apple, 1 bannana, blueberries, carrots, asparagus, peanut butter, OJ, ice, chocolate whey protein powder. Blend away!!

First of all. Gross. Seeing the words asparagus and peanut butter in the same sentence, much less in the same breakfast smoothie makes my stomach turn. Second of all. This guy claims to sing along in his car to every popular hit from the 70s to 2011. And yet, he doesn’t know how to spell “banana”? B-A-N-A-N-A-S. If Gwen Stefani can’t help you, dude. Neither can I. Moving on…

On a typical Friday night I am

Thursday is the new Friday, and Monday is the new black.

In benefit-of-the-doubt news, I googled it to make sure it wasn’t some movie quote I was unaware of. It’s not. Which means it just doesn’t make sense. But it gets better:

The six things I could never do without

my son’s happy smiles
diving
south east asia
james cameron
the jungle book
dalai lama

Except for maybe, “my son’s smiles,” I don’t think he gets the point of this exercise. More importantly, James Cameron? Seriously?

Ok I wish I could show you the entire profile of this next guy. His picture screams serial killer. (In a Jeffrey Dahmer way. It’s something about the eyes. And the smile.) His handle is also terrifying. (Think John Wayne Gacy.)

His first line:

I talk about my feelings.

An interesting choice for an opener. Lucky for me he wants a Jewish girl who is a fan of PDA. I fail on both counts. Except when I’m drunk. Then I suddenly become fluent in Hebrew. It’s super weird.

And then we have this gentleman:

Extra points.. If you love taking pictures and use a Canon camera and you’re a Disney fan… AND you enjoy the life style on the islands of Hawaii.

One of these things is not like the other. Please don’t make me point it out. Now this next guy might be on to something:

I’m handy and know how to fix things.

Unfortunately I’ve never heard of the town he lives in, which makes him geographically undesirable.

The thing you should know about this next fella’s quote is that it follows one wherein he talks about his specialty in the kitchen being “spicy meat treats.”

The first things people usually notice about me

I don’t look like a Vegan!

He also spends a lot of time thinking about:

How to triumph over all the idiots and charlatans in Hollywood!

(And people say I use exclamation points too much.) PS Don’t worry, I had to look up “charlatans” too. He does speak frequently of his time and love for Cape Town tho…

Uh oh. Just found a fellow pescatarian who is in a “fantastic” book club…It’s like I’d be dating the male version of me, except music-wise he prefers “yacht rock” and I have no idea what that is. Meanwhile, he’s agnostic…and then there’s this:

I have this reoccurring dream where I see myself standing in sort of sun-god robes on a pyramid with a thousand naked women screaming and throwing little pickles at me.

I’m secretly jealous of people who have wacky reoccurring dreams. My younger sister has one. I want one. But not a scary one.

I’m really trying to find at least one guy to respond to tonight. I just looked at one who looked promising until a glance at his third picture was nothing sort of nightmare-inducing. Why post a picture where you’re masked/made up to look terrifying?

Could I be ready for a 42 year old divorced guy with two kids?

Nice Man. One Previous Owner. Average miles, but mint condition.

I like the creativity…but I’m over this whole thing already…Ha!

Let it be known I’m not judging these men. They are my compatriots in the world of online dating. (They’ll probably all be married before me, as they’re taking it way more seriously.) I’m just giving you a sampling of what’s out there for all we single ladies. As my gma likes to tell me, maybe I’m better off…

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One Response to Dater Profiling

  1. heather says:

    Dude, the pickles dream is a quote from Real Genius. A thousand points to that guy.

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